My idol in the blogging world, Mrs R of therhouse, has created some fabulous jewlery and is selling it on etsy in an effort to help pay for the contested adoption of her adorable little son.
She is a role model to say the least and so when she posted about her etsy shop I couldn't resist checking it out.
I looked at her newest pieces today and fell in love with this one:
I will totally be owning this one soon.
Why did I fall in love with a necklace representing courage?
Well, its a very long story (that I've never shared with anyone) that began in Zebulon, NC on July 28th of this year....
I had been struggling for almost two months with happiness.
Struggling is an understatement.
Steven was worried, my mom was worried, my close co-workers (who are some of my dear friends) were worried.
I was worried.
I hadn't questioned my life, the purpose of the pain I had experienced, and the Lord's plan for my life in a long time.
But for those two months I had.
I was not in a good place.
Though I was insanely excited about going to visit my family, I was scared.
I would spend the first anniversary of my miscarriage there.
It wasn't just the anniversary of a sad day, it was a very loud, very clear, very painful reminder that I couldn't have children, that I was not normal, that I was no closer to being a mom than I had been a year ago or three years ago for that matter.
I couldn't get the fear of facing that day out of my mind.
I couldn't get the fear of facing the infertility struggle out of my mind.
I couldn't stop focusing on how scared I was that I would never be a mother, never be truly happy, never get through this nasty thing called infertility.
Those thoughts NEVER left my mind.
As I sat in sacrament meeting in between my grandma and Steven with my Aunt Jean's family on the same row, we sang the sacrament song "As Now we Take the Sacrament".
I have sung that song many many times before and I'm sure at least once or twice in the year since my miscarriage.
But when we sang it this time I started to cry when we sang the third verse...
"As now we praise thy name with song,
The blessings of this day
Will linger in our thankful hearts,
And silently we pray
For courage to accept thy will,
To listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.
We’ll walk thy chosen way."
The line "for courage to accept thy will" replayed in my mind over and over that day and everyday that week. I felt like the Lord was telling me to listen, to figure it out, to ponder.
I did, I prayed that He would help me understand what that meant to me. How I could have courage, how I could stop being scared.
You can imagine how humbled I was the very next Sunday as I sat in Relief Society in Myrtle Beach, SC when the teacher got up and introduced her lesson on courage.
It wasn't a coincidence.
And even less of a coincidence was the woman who was teaching that day.
She didn't know me, but I knew her.
I had read her blog a few months before when my Aunt Kim sent the link to my mom who forwarded it to me.
She had suffered through infertility and had been blessed with a child through adoption.
She was beautiful, happy, strong, and gave a fabulous lesson on courage.
Again the Lord was telling me..."LaNelle LISTEN...courage is the answer and you can do it"
I have read a lot about courage from church leaders in the months since I got home from that trip.
I have read and pondered how faith and courage are so closely aligned.
I once thought that courage was up to me.
I had to be strong, I had to be fearless, I had to have courage alone.
That may be true for some people.
But it is 100% not true for me.
I cannot do it alone.
I cannot have that kind of courage naturally.
But I can have it.
I can be stronger than the fear of infertility.
I can face it.
I can become better because of it.
I can have the courage to accept the Lord's will.
And I can find ways to be happy and have joy even while infertile.
I can because He can help me.
It amazes me how often I realize things that I have learned, ways that I have grown as a result of my struggle to become a mom.
It has given me a clearer understanding of the Lord's plan.
I am not grateful for my struggle with infertility.
But I am grateful that through the Lord's plan I can deal with something so horrible, so terrible, so miserable and come out a better person.
I am more courageous than I would have been without this.
I am less scared.
Less scared of losing control, less scared of trials, less scared of being happy, less scared of my personal journey.
It amazes me that something as horrible as infertility can produce something as wonderful as courage.
But it does.
At least it has for me.
With that being said....
I still have hard days, weeks and months.
I am not perfect.
My faith is not yet perfect.
Sometimes I'm still scared.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and truly think, "Heavenly Father are you really really really sure that I can handle this today? Because I'm not."
And sometimes I still think, "ok I'm done...enough is enough, I cannot handle this anymore!"
But then that line of that song rings loud and clear in my mind...
"And silently we pray for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey."
I can have courage.
And apparently it is important for me not to forget that.
When all is said and done, when I'm finally a mother, I truly believe that I will associate courage with infertility.
It takes courage.
The heavenly kind.
So thank you again Mrs. R for reminding me of that.
I cried as I read her description of courage because I understand so vividly what she says:
{COURAGE}
i never thought i was a courageous person until the fertility doctor said, "no, never, not a chance." after that it took courage to get up in the morning, courage to breathe in and out, courage to create a new dream for myself.
aside from HOPE, i think COURAGE might be my new favorite adoption word ...and of course courage doesn't apply strictly to adoption. those struggling with any kind of trial need a reminder that, they are, in fact, courageous enough to handle their journey.
amazonite has been called the "hope stone" and the "stone of courage." it is said to have been named after Amazon warriors--women warriors. to anyone who has battled their way through the jungles of infertility, please ...consider yourself a warrior.
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell —
All is well! All is well!
~"Come, Come, Ye Saints" by William Clayton
And again the Lord has reminded me.
And now as we enter year #4 of infertility I will fresh courage take.
Thanks to the reminders of what that means that the Lord has sent to me since that sacrament meeting in Zebulon, NC.
And one day, one day...I'll have this tale to tell.
Necklace and all.
I looked at her newest pieces today and fell in love with this one:
I will totally be owning this one soon.Why did I fall in love with a necklace representing courage?
Well, its a very long story (that I've never shared with anyone) that began in Zebulon, NC on July 28th of this year....
I had been struggling for almost two months with happiness.
Struggling is an understatement.
Steven was worried, my mom was worried, my close co-workers (who are some of my dear friends) were worried.
I was worried.
I hadn't questioned my life, the purpose of the pain I had experienced, and the Lord's plan for my life in a long time.
But for those two months I had.
I was not in a good place.
Though I was insanely excited about going to visit my family, I was scared.
I would spend the first anniversary of my miscarriage there.
It wasn't just the anniversary of a sad day, it was a very loud, very clear, very painful reminder that I couldn't have children, that I was not normal, that I was no closer to being a mom than I had been a year ago or three years ago for that matter.
I couldn't get the fear of facing that day out of my mind.
I couldn't get the fear of facing the infertility struggle out of my mind.
I couldn't stop focusing on how scared I was that I would never be a mother, never be truly happy, never get through this nasty thing called infertility.
Those thoughts NEVER left my mind.
As I sat in sacrament meeting in between my grandma and Steven with my Aunt Jean's family on the same row, we sang the sacrament song "As Now we Take the Sacrament".
I have sung that song many many times before and I'm sure at least once or twice in the year since my miscarriage.
But when we sang it this time I started to cry when we sang the third verse...
"As now we praise thy name with song,
The blessings of this day
Will linger in our thankful hearts,
And silently we pray
For courage to accept thy will,
To listen and obey.
We love thee, Lord; our hearts are full.
We’ll walk thy chosen way."
The line "for courage to accept thy will" replayed in my mind over and over that day and everyday that week. I felt like the Lord was telling me to listen, to figure it out, to ponder.
I did, I prayed that He would help me understand what that meant to me. How I could have courage, how I could stop being scared.
You can imagine how humbled I was the very next Sunday as I sat in Relief Society in Myrtle Beach, SC when the teacher got up and introduced her lesson on courage.
It wasn't a coincidence.
And even less of a coincidence was the woman who was teaching that day.
She didn't know me, but I knew her.
I had read her blog a few months before when my Aunt Kim sent the link to my mom who forwarded it to me.
She had suffered through infertility and had been blessed with a child through adoption.
She was beautiful, happy, strong, and gave a fabulous lesson on courage.
Again the Lord was telling me..."LaNelle LISTEN...courage is the answer and you can do it"
I have read a lot about courage from church leaders in the months since I got home from that trip.
I have read and pondered how faith and courage are so closely aligned.
I once thought that courage was up to me.
I had to be strong, I had to be fearless, I had to have courage alone.
That may be true for some people.
But it is 100% not true for me.
I cannot do it alone.
I cannot have that kind of courage naturally.
But I can have it.
I can be stronger than the fear of infertility.
I can face it.
I can become better because of it.
I can have the courage to accept the Lord's will.
And I can find ways to be happy and have joy even while infertile.
I can because He can help me.
It amazes me how often I realize things that I have learned, ways that I have grown as a result of my struggle to become a mom.
It has given me a clearer understanding of the Lord's plan.
I am not grateful for my struggle with infertility.
But I am grateful that through the Lord's plan I can deal with something so horrible, so terrible, so miserable and come out a better person.
I am more courageous than I would have been without this.
I am less scared.
Less scared of losing control, less scared of trials, less scared of being happy, less scared of my personal journey.
It amazes me that something as horrible as infertility can produce something as wonderful as courage.
But it does.
At least it has for me.
With that being said....
I still have hard days, weeks and months.
I am not perfect.
My faith is not yet perfect.
Sometimes I'm still scared.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and truly think, "Heavenly Father are you really really really sure that I can handle this today? Because I'm not."
And sometimes I still think, "ok I'm done...enough is enough, I cannot handle this anymore!"
But then that line of that song rings loud and clear in my mind...
"And silently we pray for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey."
I can have courage.
And apparently it is important for me not to forget that.
When all is said and done, when I'm finally a mother, I truly believe that I will associate courage with infertility.
It takes courage.
The heavenly kind.
So thank you again Mrs. R for reminding me of that.
I cried as I read her description of courage because I understand so vividly what she says:
{COURAGE}
i never thought i was a courageous person until the fertility doctor said, "no, never, not a chance." after that it took courage to get up in the morning, courage to breathe in and out, courage to create a new dream for myself.
aside from HOPE, i think COURAGE might be my new favorite adoption word ...and of course courage doesn't apply strictly to adoption. those struggling with any kind of trial need a reminder that, they are, in fact, courageous enough to handle their journey.
amazonite has been called the "hope stone" and the "stone of courage." it is said to have been named after Amazon warriors--women warriors. to anyone who has battled their way through the jungles of infertility, please ...consider yourself a warrior.
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell —
All is well! All is well!
~"Come, Come, Ye Saints" by William Clayton
And again the Lord has reminded me.
And now as we enter year #4 of infertility I will fresh courage take.
Thanks to the reminders of what that means that the Lord has sent to me since that sacrament meeting in Zebulon, NC.
And one day, one day...I'll have this tale to tell.
Necklace and all.
9 comments:
Oh LaNelle, that was a beautiful post and I wish I had that necklace as well! I would probably wear it everyday as I wear my little silver heart with the gold teardrop on it now...on the back it says "Until we meet again". It is a constant reminder to me of where I want my journey here to take me. You do have much courage and I continually see you get stronger and stronger with more and more faith...I love you...Carry on, fresh courage take!!!
LaNelle, I don't know if you remember me and, therefore, it's probably strange that I follow you and Steven through your blog, but I wanted to thank you for your post. I've struggled in how I could possibly understand and be a friend who can be "just there" for someone who has experienced difficulty in their lives because I feel that I have been so richly blessed in everything I've wanted/needed. I've always looked up to you for your fresh outlook on life and for your ability to be courageous when I myself would have just given up. But I think we all need courage. My need is for the courage to be able to get up and face another day of monotony with my children and with the same old household everyday chores. Thank you again. I think I'll be taking a little gander at that etsy site.
thank you for sharing LaNelle - your family has the gift of telling, beautifully, how you feel - I envy that.
I love reading the R house too!
I think its so amazing when Heavenly Father places everything in perfect order for just one person - it reminds us that He truly does love each and every one of us and KNOWS what we feel and cares. It's amazing and thank you for sharing your deep feelings and testimony.
wow, lanelle.
thank you SO much for this post. now i am going to be singing, "courage to accept thy will" when i think of what is going to happen in the courtroom next friday.
what a humbling sentiment.
i am so grateful to have blog readers like you, who really understand where i am coming from. it's my readers and friends (even the virtual ones) that teach me and help me to have courage i r struggles.
gorgeous post! i am going to add this post under "r house couture reviews."
yesterday, i asked my FB friends for quotes they loved. i thought you might enjoy this one submitted to me by another mom touched by adoption (x4!).
“To be a warrior is not a simple matter of wishing to be one. It is rather an endless struggle that will go on to the very last moment of our lives. Nobody is born a warrior, in exactly the same way that nobody is born an average man. We make ourselves into one or the other.” ~Carlos Castaneda
hugs, my friend.
LaNelle,
Lindsey a.k.a mrs. r forwarded your beautiful email to me. I just want to tell you how inspired I am by your post, and your words. Tears have filled my eyes. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers and it is my hope that you will have the desire of your hearts. I hope that our combined faith and courage can help you through until you receive what you most desire.
Love,
Kim a.k.a "sensei"
Oh what a beautiful post. You and your mom do have a way with words. Now I will probably cry everytime we sing that song in church. You are a strong, amazing woman and I'm grateful for your example!
Love the Carlos quote...love love love your words today and want the website so I can get Aunt Jean that necklace! Love you..keep up the good fight!! Love, Mama
I think about your sweet little face with the blond ringlets at Ninna's house with Beth and how Ninna said the first time ya'll came to spend your summer week, at night silent little tears would fall down your face. If she could only see your bright beautiful face now and how wonderful you take on each new experience the world sends your way.
I find little tears falling down my face when you share your heart with us. love ya!
Hi LaNelle. This is Jennie from MB (teacher in the post). I secretly check up on you now and then through your blog. I have no idea how I did not put 2 and 2 together when you were visiting. If I did I would have gave you a big hug and we could have had some serious infertility talks. Infertility has taught me so much. Courage being one of the biggest. Beautiful post and I will be sure to check out your new blog.
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